letting go of the fucking drama in my life

i just woke up in the middle of the night with a throbbing headache...

and right now i cant sleep that im resorting to blogging out my emotions before i explode again.

i had another fight with my sister again.

dont worry,

i didnt punch her like the last time, i was tempted to though but instead i went to the bathroom and cry.

yes i stop myself doing something i might regret and just cried it out.

im really am tired of trying to fix things up with her,

seriously, i dont like living at home where i feel like i'm walking in eggshells.

and i really tried my best to make things okay between me and her.

and people see that

its just that she doesnt want to

what made the fight worse was that mother called (shes in vacation in our hometown) and scolded me about it

instead of listning to my side of the stoshe got angry at me and made the situation worse.

yes.

if you think im overdramatic.

i got it from her.

i told her.

i have nothing against my sister in fact if she would just sit with me and talk everything through, well be okay.

instead she chose to get angry, hide in her fucking room and told my mother i was fighting her.

my mother then sai it was better that i wasnt talking to my sister because i was embarrassing the family with teh fighting and shouting and shit.

in her own words.

what would people think of me? having daughters like you?

then it hit me.

i realize something profound while writing an email to my sweetheart.

i am trying to talk to my sister like an adult. i want to just talked to her about this whole shit and just stop the fighting and just try to have an okay relationship with her.

instead she sulks, ignore me and told mother about me.

thats what a child do.

im trying to reason out and talk to her like an adult. but then i realize this is all a losing battle for me.

eventhough she thinks shes old enough and knows about everything, the truth is she doesnt.

how do i know that???

because this was me a few years ago.

well... not the sulking part. at i would try to talk things out.

my mother said we should just let time heal and just let her be ready if shes ready to talk to me.

i told her i have nothing against my sister because i love her and i dont hold any grudges to her.

its her life and she can do whatever the fuck she wants.

if she wants to be like this then let her be like this. i wont try to fix anything again because she is being immature about this.

shes 20 but she acts more immature than our 12 year old sister.

and then my mother went on a tirade about how all the shit i did.

oh yeah...

like mother like daughter.

she got angry about some text i send to her.

i was in the parents-teacher recollection or whatever for my younger and i texted her a few times that she was supposed to be there and not me.

she got mad at me for those text telling me she felt stupid because it seems like i was texting her how she stupid she was.

i told her i didnt meant my text to be like that. i was just bored. and yes i didnt want to be on that because wasnt my responsibility. but i did it anyway because she was not here

i told her your the only one who feels stupid. not me.

so yeah my evening is full of drama and i have a headache with all the crying and shit...

but you know what? despite of everything i actually learned a lot.

i hate to admit this...

but...

im growing up...

today i realize how i wanted to keep the family together and make things right...

it didnt go through like i wanted it to be...

but my intentions was that i wanted to just stop teh fighting...

it also made realize that its time to move out...

oh god i want to...

i just dont have enough resources to do so.

spent all my money this december and im saving up for something big.

not to mention my job isnt paying that much...

so im stuck here until i have enough money to get out...

it also made me realize that with all of this drama i wanted to be with my sweetheart so badly...

i wanted to be with someone who makes me happy and with no drama...

i ahte all this fucking drama

im too fucking old with it...

it seems like people want it so much in here...

im a direct person that i just want it to be over and just talk it out...

seriously just talk it out...

maybe this was a test for me...

testing me if i was like the drama queen that im used to be...

i dont want that anymore...

i just want my life to be peaceful and happy and no bullshit in it..

well whatever...

im not going to be suck in to their stupid dramatic life...

i know my mistakes are and that is im so hot headed and i need to control that...

i need to control my anger and not let it get me...

i should meditate or pray or whatever on that....

thanks for reading... i know its long but i felt better letting this all out...