Proof

Last Sunday, he told our pastor that I am proof God loves him. And when he said grace a few weeks ago, a lady at the next table actually started crying when she overheard him whisper his gratitude. He said, "Thank you, Lord, for bringing this amazing woman into my life."

This city kid has totally fallen for a hillbilly from the sticks! I've spent my summer riding around barefoot in an old pickup, eating fried chicken, swimming in the creek, picking berries, driving through the country, exploring the most beautiful mountains I have ever seen, and lying on the grass at midnight, literally speechless from all the stars.

I cannot believe how many stars are in the sky, people! No one here seems to understand. I am going to be 42 years old next month and I have never seen anything remotely like it. When we drive a few minutes out of the city into the rural areas and it's a clear night, it seriously takes your breath away. Having lived in Manhattan for most of my life, the polution and all the lights make it impossible to see anything much smaller than the moon.

If I am rambling, it's just because it is thrilling to me to be this happy again. I am generally pretty cognizant of how blessed I am, how privileged and fortunate in a material sense and also in an emotional sense to have security in many aspects that others lack, but truthfully, it's been a rough haul the past few years. The divorce was really devastating. I am someone who is impeccable with my word. I realize that it was my ex- who first broke our vows, but regardless, I am not someone who breaks a promise. It took years for me to come to terms with the reality of not being able to make it work without his devotion and commitment to see it through. Part of me still feels a little guilty about it even though the logical part of my mind can clearly identify the wisdom of my escape.

It's been a little more than a year now, but at the time, losing the Armadillo seemed like it could be a fatal blow. I will now admit how suicidal I actually felt. I am so grateful for the spiritual strength, and the love and prayers of my friends and family that sustained me. Dillo and I were inseparable. I have felt less than whole since he died, and I ran more than 500 miles to escape the grief. It still hits me hard sometimes, but not in the crushing, every day way it did before. My brother was larger than life. New York was rife with reminders. Hard to find anywhere to go where he hadn't left his mark. But not here - these are MY mountains. The Armadillo never set foot here. I can go to work without everyone asking if we are related. I can go grocery shopping without bumping into his friends. Maybe that seems selfish, but the thing is, whiile he was alive, I never once minded living in his shadow. After his death, the shadow became unbearable. I still have such a big hole in my heart, but from this distance, his memories are a comfort and not a source of persistent pain. I love that. It's hard to think of Jack and not smile. Now I can do that again and it is wonderful!

So - about my hillbilly. He is this gigantic man (6 and a half feet) with a billy goat-tee (hehehe). I like to call him Bear. He is equally silly and philosophical, able to discuss my research one minute and make fart jokes the next. Things went very slow in the beginning. We spent most of the winter getting up the courage to let our bellies show, so to speak. We have both been burned pretty badly and you know what they say, once bitten, twice shy.

Still, it is kind of nice to finally get carried away a little. I'd be lying if I said it isn't lovely to be appreciated and treasured. The man spoils me awful - little things that mean the world to me, having dinner ready, bringing me lunch when work has handed me a challenging day ... and lately, we have taken to spending evenings together out on the little deck, holding hands and sharing dreams over a nice cup of blueberry wine.

He makes me feel like a little kid again in all the best ways. Who thought I'd ever be swinging from a rope and plopping in the middle of a swimming hole? Or, during the winter, sliding down a snowy hill with my butt hanging through a great big tractor trailer inner tube!

And the clincher? He cooks - ohhhhhh does he cook! Curried chicken and broccoli, bolognese sauce, crab cakes, seafood gumbo - yumola! The only problem is that I have been fattening myself up again - not good. If my ass gets any bigger, I might have to file for zoning board approval.

Who thought I'd ever have butterflies in my belly again at this age, but it's true. He looks at me with those hazel eyes and I melt. Oh yeah - I'm getting carried away here, but isn't it so cool? Life is nothing like I expected, but the unexpected is so terrific I could dance!