So here's a little about my life

So, my life I've felt that I'm not quite good enough in my dad's eyes, my mum and dad got a divorce when I was very young and I don't ever remember him living with us (me my mum and my older brother). There is various stories I've heard as I've been growning up about wether he hit me when I baby or not and I'm curious about one scar I have in particular, but I don't feel able to approach this subject with my dad or my mum. On my dad's part he's not very communicative and I don't know how to approach the situation, on my mum's part it's because I know this was a very difficult time in her life when me and my brother were both little and I don't ever want to take her back to it. She's been a great inspriation to me and it took me a long time to understand a lot of desicions she made for me but as I've grown and been without her (I mean not living with her) I've realised how special she is and all she wants is for me to be happy.

Shortly after my mum and dad split my dad got with another woman callled tracey she had one child from a previous relationship who is only just younger than I am, who my dad decided to apdot and her and my dad had a daughter together who is just under 3 years younger than I am they also got married. When I first started seeing my dad we used to have to see him in the family centre, now I was very young and I don't know how long this was for or why, and I only remember ever seeing him their once, and alls I can remember is the two woman who were watching us play behind a big glass window and my brother wasn't allowed to come in with me, but as I said I have no idea to the reason why this was. After this we used to go and stay with my dad one night a week at the weekend and I used to share a room with their daughter. For a very long time growing up I used to have great difficultly in keeping the bed dry during the night and used to wet the bed most nights, My step mum hated this, and used to be extremely cruel about this.............thiers so much I have to say about that woman but the memories are still extremely painful and I can't write about it clearly yet. I used to go home to mum very upset and in the end I stopped seeing my dad and staying over, When I was 7 my mum got married again to her second husband and is still with him now, my second dad kevin, we've had an extremely rocky relationship but he's always been a constant in my life. I got a mobile phone when I was 13 for my christmas present and I asked my brother for my dad's number, Although I stopped seeing my dad my brother continued to and he had a lot of problems of his own, I don't quite know what happened but he got quite heavily in to drugs and in to trouble and I remember one night the police bringing him home and after this night my mum said he had to spend the weekends with his dad he could start taking responsability for him as well. Anyway so I asked for my dad's number and I phoned him, I had no confidence even as a 13 year old so on the phone i used to talk very quietly, He answered and had no idea who he was talking to, so i said and he said sam who?.....................I can't remember if i explained or hung up.

A few weeks later him and tracey split up and I started seeing him on a more regular basis, he was with someone called kerry at the time that didnt last long then shortly after that he got with selina and they had a child quite quickly my little brother dan. The first day i meet selina we didnt talk much but played beehive bedlham on the sky active. She's been great ever since i meet her.

Then a few years later my world fell apart when my papa died, he'd been ill for four years before he died and the last christmas he spent with us my step nan and me were drinking red wine at the table and I was taking the mick out of my papa sleeping in the front room and she said I should spend some time with him this might be the last christmas he spent with us which in my mind was completely unture, I'd never thought of my papa not being there and couldnt see it happening. My papa always used to do the same things on the same days and the day he died he had showered had breakfast and gone upstairs to get dressed and he dropped dead, my nan was downstairs and went up to see what had happened and walked in the bedroom to find him on the floor and he'd also knocked one of his oxygen bottles over as he fell, She rang an ambulance and the paramedics worked on his body for 22 minutes before giving up, after he died he had to have a post mortum done to find out why he had died and he had a blood clot in his heart. Even though he was on medication to thin his blood, medication to keep him strong and well, this shouldn't have happened. At the time when he died I was at college not studying I was in the woods smoking with katie and phil after we finished there was loads of pieces of wood around us so we decided to make a tree man, When we finished this is was about half 11 and my papa died at 11am and a few minutes i cant remember exactally what time. I came over feeling really upset for no reason and told kaite i didn't know what was wrong, I went to the rest of my lectures for the day and stayed in them all which was unusual for me. Then caught the bus home, got back and no one was in at like half 5 which was unusual so I saw we had a message on the phone so i played it and it was nan she said dawn (my mum) you need to come over and that was about all it said I sat there and replayed it loads but i didnt call my nan's house I'm not sure as to why, I locked the house up and went to bed, my step dad came in to room sometime later I was under my duvet he said samantha and I looked up at him stood him my door way and he said I dont know how to tell you this, but papa's dead, he started walking towards me and I screamed at him to get out. I pulled my duvet over me and cried for a bit then I got up and dressed and went to see my friend marco at work which i used to do quite alot as i could sit in the back room while he worked. I walked in to the shop and he asked me what was wrong so I told him I don't even remember what he said I waited for him to finish and then we had a huge smoke out. His funeral was ten days later and I wrote something to read at his funeral and I also read a poem, I read the poem first and was ok doing this then I started to read what i'd written with in reading the first line i started crying and one of my aunties stood with him held my hand and read most of it for. I read some of the middle and the last time. Leaving the chapel one of my papa's friends put their hand on my shoulder and told me how well i'd done. At the wake my cousion chris told me he would have been very proud. At the wake I had a few things I had to sort out, some of my cousions were teasing my little sister and he hid herself underneath a table and refused to come out, a few people tried to get her out and then my mum came and got me and I talked her out and took her outside for a bit and ran around the garden with her, then the men left for the pub I was quite annoyed iwasn't allowed to go but i was only 17, then a few of us went back to my mum's my nan wasn't right so when we got in I put the telly on in my bedrooom for her and got her some pyjamas to wear and she felt in my room. Then while the men were out drinking something kicked off, I'm not sure what happend my step dad came back drunk and refused to stay in the house, so after my mum ran down the road after him and talked to him she came back saying he's not going to come him so i went and talked to him and got him to come home. After this my cousin chris phoned us because he didnt know where he needed to go in the taxi. We found out later that my brother had got a dealer to come to the pub and so he could get something and thats what started the fall out, the next day me and my mum decided to go around to my nan's first and sort a few things out, the dishes and such before she went in my brother was now living with her at this time too and sometime that night he'd smashed his room up, so him and my mum then fell out. We took my nan home later that day and just told her not to go in my brothers room as he was sleeping.