I honestly do not know how to begin, write and end this subject, but in the effort to stop the flow irrational of thoughts and put an end ot the anxiety that is building up in me, I will write thoughts as they come. In other words, I will ramble.
It is hard for me to write. It is hard for me to admit that aloud, and it pains me to see it in printed in words.
It is a subject I do not want to write and share if I can help it because I don't want to be pitied or given advice or worst thought of of fishing for compliments. I get nervous with reading advice because I literally never know how my mind will react to it. I hope this does not sound arrogant, or coming to strong when I say I don't want and advice or to come out as if I know the answer to all my problems but finding out a way out of my own frustrations and conflicts is in itself a source of joy for me, and my slow way to finding healing.
Avoiding what pains me is something I am trying to consistently practice. This sounds ridiculous because of course everyone whats to avoid what pains one. I can't explain this now in a satisfactory manner frustrated frown. It is all about knowing, experiencing, learning and putting that what one knows, experienced and learned in conscious daily practice. I can say that I have been very successful with this but in the process I might have earned the title "eccentric" forevermore.
I don't mind being eccentric. What I mind is that I still have that inner struggle where I still fight that voice in my head that wants to be a conformist, that one that wants to please, or want to belong and be liked by everyone. For lack of a better way to say it, I will just put it in words that might not ring in harmony to the thoughts I want to put in words to but will at least get it out of my head ... I have come to a point, where I can say, I don't mind if not everyone likes me. It took a long time of practice but something is silenced that once was so noisy in my head. I am happy to be just who I am.
Are all these very inconsistent? I guess, it is the struggle I am trying to articulate.
It is like I am so near, so very near to that plane that I thought I would not even see in the horizon, and I am so scared that somehow a wrong turn will put me back to where I started.
In the heart, I can say I am a good person. I will never ever do anything to hurt anyone on purpose - physically, mentally or emotionally. Of course, I am only human, and have to admit that many times throughout my life my mind has been beset with thoughts of hate, retribution, revenge, and agression.
But I know deep in me, and from long experience, I will never act on those thoughts.
sighs deeply This is frustrating but I am plowing on.
I want to be rid of my cycles of depression and anxiety attacks. I know, what I have gone through in the past needs time to be worked out. Everything needs time.
I have talked extensively to family, and friends about this and everyone has similar thoughts. My mind and body needs to adjust that I no longer have stress in the kind that I have been experiencing since childhoo.d
I am free. Liberated in all sense of the word. I love, and am love in abudance. I have all that I could wish for, and I am not wanting.
Why oh why do need to go through this mental and at times physical torture! <--- rhetorical question
Can it not just be fucking easy! I am happy. Period.
I know, I know. It would be awfully boring if I don't have to struggle through something. In the struggle one finds fulfillment, in the struggle one finds self-realization.
Baby steps, simple steps. I'll get there.
I understand what you mean, sometimes you just need to get something out, it's not at all about someone else helping you solve it ... but simply that you need to get it out so you can go about your way sorting it out for yourself, the way you need to. Sort of a stepping stone. That's why there's been times that I've simply needed to get something out and I've either hand written it on some paper, so only I'll be reading it, or I'll compose it in Word and leave it there, never winding up posting it because I want my own thoughts to flow on it. So I can sympathize. Also, yes, on some more intimate things, I really am worried about what I would have said to me, which sometimes is because I know I can't portray, without sounding rude (not saying you have, simply saying I understand) that I don't want that kind of feedback, and at most just simple support that it's OK for me to do this and leave it at that.
Another thought on this I had, when you mentioned not wanting to hurt anyone intentionally, but that you have had those feelings of anger, hatred, etc. is something I think about occasionally with you. It sort of dawns on me periodically that I literally just can not picture you being purposely angry, difficult, or mean to another person. You always seem so serene, so composed, that even though you may be feeling an intense, catastrophic grouping of emotions, I just couldn't picture you acting on them because that's not the kind of person you are, not because you couldn't do it. I'm glad you brought this up, because I had had this thought and now feel like expressing it to you. I admire it greatly, being the bottom line.
I guess those previous two paragraphs were my long roundabout way of saying 'Yup, I understand you here and support your need to get it out and move along on your own path, not one someone else has laid out for you.' Hope this has helped you and you're feeling better about things from this point. ((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))