day 7 week 1

okay, lets get the bitchy stuff out of the way here, cause i have some doozies of good stuff today.

bitch 1. i still cant breathe when i cough, and if i have to cough again, and i can't get air in, then i start choking, then i start gagging, and pretty soon i'm vomiting instead of breathing. this seems like a very good way to end up in the hospital with bacterial pneumonia instead of home on the couch for weeks with viral pneumonia...... huge difference.

bitch 2. im stuck on a couch in the middle of nowhere, why the hell cant the universe get it's shit together and put me where i belong. ...away from this sucky town.

bitch 3. it's only 5 days till christmas>!? seriously?! ...... sigh i have nothing ready, haven't been able to shop, or get anything done i'm supposed to be doing. I had a dress alteration i'm supposed to have done by christmas....it's sat in my studio since thanksgiving half taken apart. it was supposed to be done and paid for already and i've barely started it, and there isn't any possible way i can get it done by christmas and i'm not sure what to tell the client. GAHHH.

okay, bitching aside........

we'll start out small and get to the really good one in a minute.

we had my daughters bday party today, almost a week late, but better late than never right? ..... well, i'm not sure if i told you guys abou the dress shop i opened let alone that i closed it a year later, well, anyway, basically i have a dress shop... .it's still got a lot of inventory in it even though it's closed now. so i brought my daughter and two of her friends, and her cousin and her sister to the dress shop..... we had a getting ready for prom themed birthday party. middle one turned 9 but she really wants to be 16 so i thought this was perfect.. ... .anyway, they got to try on formal dresses to their hearts content.... tiaras, jewelry, gloves, scarves, mile high heel shoes, the whole shebang....... then mom and i did their hair and makeup, then we took pictures in the bridal room, wall to wall three way mirrors, chandelier ceiling the whole works...... they had an absolute blast. all the girls first came in, and were looking around, then i told them they could start trying on dresses, my daughters one friend looked a little confused, and seemed way out of place, she tried on one dress, it really wasn't a very pretty one, like brown and orange jungle print,.... a cool dress for a grown up. but these are nine year olds, they want sparkle and princess....... she looked kind of sad, so i asked her if she wanted me to help her pick out a dress, and she got really really shy and she said..... "yeah, i really don't have any fashion scent" .... i thought that was WAY too adorable. no fashion scent. she is a little heavier than the other girls so i think she may have been feeling self conscious about that. so i picked out a hot pink frilly dress and sent her in teh dressing room..... i had my pin cushion out and handy..... my littlest is a tiny tiny kid..... and all the girls were smaller than the girls that normally would come in teh dress shop for dances, so i ended up pinning the dresses on them..... anyway, the friend comes out of teh dressing room just beaming, and i helped her put on a tiara and fixed her hair. and she went and joined the other girls and she seemed so much more comfortable after that. .... she waved at me shyly and whispered, "thankyou so much, i feel so pretty" totally melted me. it was a really good party.

anyway, while we were in the dress shop, i got a look at myself full length for the first time in a month..... i think i have lost between 30 and 50 lbs. i look sunken in and really flabby. pale and sickly..... it was kinda scary. ..... this isn't exactly my choice of diet plan. i've lost all my muscle tone so the weight loss isn't exactly all that flattering. so i have mixed emotions about the weight. but the good news is... i was able to do the party, and participate in it..... sitting down mostly anyway, so i think i have turned a corner on the road to getting better.

okay, now for the real news.

i met a guy about 4 years ago. almost exactly 4 years ago.... it was january in any case, sometime not to long before my birthday. i was still with my abusive ex. and he was in a bad relationship with his wife.

long story short, weve been seeing each other for most of those 4 years. an inmmensely intense connection. we've hurt each other, pissed each other off, made each other sad, made each other cry, comforted each other through some of the worst patches in our lives. but the thing is.... we've always been there for each other. we've never stopped loving each other. never wanted to be apart. we can't be together because we are to damn far apart, a 4 hour drive that includes random ferries that you can't plan a schedule around very easily, and a bridge that likes to close frequently because of ship traffic and random weather. , and there isn't anything that can change that. he can't move..... if he leaves the city he's in his ex takes off for missouri with their son. ... i can't leave. i have no where to move to. i'm dead poor and get sick much too easily to keep a steady job. i'd move in with him, but he doesn't make enough to support my three kids and his kid and me and him.

so we pull away from each other, and snap back together when we've moved too far apart emotionally.

we're just coming out of a really long stretch. we haven't seen each other since june. we miss each other terribly. we just had a long conversation tonight about the nature of our relationship. both coming to the conclusion that as sane as we've tried to be about this the facts in the matter are..... we love each other. and we're never really going to be happy without the other person in our lives.

so now were discussing how an open relationship might work. .... it would have to be something that would work for years to come. we don't know how many decades may pass before we can even be on the same side of the water, let alone in the same city. it sucks that much.

i've never been a fan of open relationships. but i do know that being in a monogamous one that far away, with no way to drop everything and just see each other when we want is NOT going to work. at the same time..... there is no way that this man is not going to be in my life. there is no way i could be commited to someone else monogamously and then spend time with him and not succumb to desire for him.

it's just not going to happen. and i'm not willing to let him go completely. i need him too much.

the truth of the matter is.... this man is my soulmate.

so. i'm happy. cause, we're acknowledging things we've both known for a long time. i'm happy, because he's ready to make a commitment to us. even if it isn't ideally the way we really want it to be.

i'm happy because i know beyond anything that he feels the same way about me that i do about him. inso far as he can't imagine life without me. and being with someone else and not being able to ever touch me again would just be too damn difficult.

so...... we'll discuss it again soon. and work out the details.

i've come to the conclusion that typical or expected, or normal or what have you tends to just fall away when something is truly truly real.