Hurt

I feel so hurt and powerless, the blood is boiling in my blood vessels. As some of you might already know from my other posts I live in the same building with my boyfriend's aunt, ho used to be my closest friend for a while when I moved here. I actually met him through her, but as our relationship got stronger with him she became more and more sour and hateful with us. I don't even know what it is that I might have done that got her so badly against me, but by now we are like enemies, who live door to door to each other. During the past month or two I've met a girl who grew up and live in the same neighborhood we do, and knows my boyfriend and his family very well. She has many flaws I could write about, but I though even like this I am better off spending my time with some one, and not being so lonely all the time. So I helped her when she needed it, and it looked like a strong friendship might have started because she moved in to the same building we live in. But something happened and all of a sudden she became best friends with my boyfriend's aunt and wouldn't talk to us at all. I can tell that the roots of the problem is the aunt, who had an easy way with the new neighbor, who is also Ethiopian, like herself, and they both like to drink beers and bitch about people. I also know that if it took so little for this girl to turn against me, then I am probably better off without her in my life. The only problem is that they both live right here, in my building now, and there is no way I can avoid them.

Today I was sitting outside talking to my boyfriends young cousin and his friend when the new neighbor came downstairs sitting aside from us but sending mean looks to the boys, who live with the aunt. They both got up and left me to go sit with her, which was like getting a knife in my back, but I said nothing, cause really, I can't tell people who to favor when it comes to friendships. Then my dog walked over there so that B*%ch calls him loudly so she can pet her, and as she does she says clearly and loudly " his better than his owners" . I knew all the things I could have or should have said to her as a reaction to her words, but I didn't say anything. Just set there and looked away, as if I didn't hear her.

Then the aunt, who's window was right above my head called loudly to her, who set way too close for her to having have to yell like that, and they started a chit chat in their language but with Hebrew words mixed into it, so I could only understand what they wanted me to. In between her sentences she said that she was gonna get something done, and then she goes " what do you think, am I a piece of disgusting garbage who just sits around all day and does nothing, like that? I get up and get things one 24/7, like a decent human being". Then they both laughed. I knew that her words were meant to hurt me, and she was referring to me no having a job. Again, I've said nothing, although I knew well what to reply.

I stood up and walked into my apartment saying nothing. It kills me that I know now they are probably laughing about how they've both tabbed me with their words and I've done nothing like a coward. I know that doing nothing is giving them a the power to go ahead and keep on behaving this way every time they feel like. But on the other hand I would hate to find myself in the middle of a embarrassing cat fight, like ghetto women do in ghetto movies. I keep my pride way above that level, and I don't think that I should get my mouth all dirty like that for people who don't worth it. But I am deeply hurt. My brain keeps replaying the whole situation, and in my mind I keep seeing myself as some one stronger, who stood up and questioned the meaning of these mean words and then fought for her honor. But it is much easier to be brave and strong in my mind.

This situation also makes me wonder what is wrong with me, and why can't I manage long time meaningful friendships. My boyfriend keeps telling me that it is not me, but the fact that I have traveled too much in my life and didn't have time to maintain real relationships. Now I am stuck in a bad neighborhood with people who are way below my level and I find myself in situations that are not normal for my standards. But it would be dumb of me to believe that. I know better. I know that if people don't like you in general the problem is usually in you, and not in others. I just can't figure out what it is that makes me so unbareble to have as a friend. Knowing that something is wrong with my nature and my character doesn't help with my depression. Being lonely is already a lot to deal with, but knowing that it is my own fault is even more hurtful. I wish I could change and be a better person some how. I wish I could be some one who is liked by others. I just don't know how to do it.